The Catch-22 #FreeBritney

When we say, “free Britney,” we really mean, “free us.”

She represents the feminine principle- and our country, instead of defending her, contributed to her ultimate insanity. And this is America’s insanity: that we continuously kill the female instead of protecting her.

I vividly remember when Britney Spears came on the scene. I was 16, just like her, when she was sexily dancing down the hallways of her high school.  When her videos were aired on MTV, my neighbor and I would imitate her moves, attempting to begin owning our Power, just like she did.  We did this in secret, however, as both of our mothers did not approve of us watching MTV. 

On the one hand, I wanted to be just like her—fully owning her space and her blossoming womanhood. It was innocent and yet, yet! She was blatantly being “sexy”—something that my fundamentalist purity culture would not allow girls to be.  And on the other hand, I felt guilty for wanting to be like her.  Sadly, I intuited, quite accurately, that being like her was not safe if I wanted to be approved of by the people I loved the most.

It was during my adolescence that my own split really deepened: there was the part of me that everyone saw and that could come to church youth group, i.e. the good girl who played by the rules, didn’t ask too many questions, and the girl who played along with purity culture, agreeing that waiting until marriage for sex was the route I was taking. But there was this other part of me, split off from conscious awareness: the sexy part, the part of me that seethed with anger at the constraints I felt, the part of me that felt she would come undone like a wild animal at any moment. The part of me with dreams, desires, feelings and LIFE.

It has taken me my all of my adult life, years of psychotherapy, embodiment practices, the mentoring of beautiful, strong women, and the encouragement of evolved men to be able to integrate my sexuality into my identity. 

And most women I know report the same struggle.

Always caught between the desire to be sexual, sexy, beautiful—maybe even naughty—and also liked, respected, and good.

Most women I know feel like they have to choose.

And then their husbands ask me in marriage counseling why their wife doesn’t see herself as beautiful. Why she doesn’t want to wear lingerie. Why she doesn’t want sex. Why she scrutinizes what she eats, why she can’t orgasm, why she isn’t even interested in him or her own pleasure. 

Notwithstanding other relationship factors, one of the reasons for women’s sexual dysfunctions is the broader system every American couple lives in, puts women in a tricky catch 22- the sexual double standard that female bodies find themselves in: that being sexy is not safe. And it doesn’t magically go away when she is in a loving and committed relationship. In order to heal the split, she must learn to ignore the shaming voices both inside and outside of her if she is to fully own her body, her desire, and her sexuality.

This catch-22 was PAINFULLY demonstrated in the “Framing Britney” documentary: From Ed McMahon asking a TEN year old Britney if she had a boyfriend, to being asked by interviewers if she was a virgin, from female politicians saying they wanted to shoot her because she was a “bad example.”  I felt myself cringing for Britney with every inappropriate question or commentary. And not just cringing, I felt the wild wolf woman inside of me want to protect her.

That’s why the #freebritney movement caught on…because we could all identify with her struggle.  Each woman sees herself in Britney.

And if the catch-22 weren’t enough to break Britney (or any woman down), let’s take a closer look at what happened when she became a mother:

The most relevant part of the story that I haven’t heard anyone speak about is the fact that the courts sided with Kevin Federline, her vampirish husband, and awarded him sole physical custody of her children. When they were BABIES. When she was quite possibly still BREASTFEEDING.  Any woman on the planet will tell you that they would feel exactly like Britney did if you took her baby from her, even if the cause was “reasonable.” Taking a baby out of a woman’s arms is like trying to take a bear cub from a mama bear- she wants to kill you and will probably try. Every mother with babies knows this feeling.  

Watching Britney’s story now as an adult woman, a psychotherapist , relationship teacher,  and women’s embodiment practitioner, was absolutely horrifying. Here was a woman, who was obviously suffering from severe post partum depression, possibly psychosis, and we made it worse by laughing at her. The ultimate gas-lighting. Not only did we as a country make it worse, the men in her life destroyed her and we did nothing to protect her. The system failed her, and continues to do so. While it is completely reasonable to state that I don’t have all the details so I can’t say who should have been awarded custody, I have worked for many years in the intersection between addiction, mental health crises, and custody issues.  In my experience, the courts are always moving towards reconciliation and a 50/50 split because the best case for children is that they spend equal time with both parents.  It is rare, especially when the children are young, that the courts will not award time with the mother, especially infants. Unforutnately, we are hearing about more and more cases where women, especially mothers, are deemed “unfot mothers” for accusing the father of abuse of any kind. Does that scenario sound familiar?

The moral of the story? Do not delight when others are struggling. Compassion rules the day, and address any pre-conceived/outdated/innacurate ideas you have about female sexuality especially. But also, as a country, we need to do more to support young parents. Parents with children under the age of 5 in their home have a very high rate of divorce and marital dissatisfaction. Why? Well lack of sleep alone makes anyone feel kind of nuts. 1 in 5 mothers can be diagnosed with post-partum depression, but most mothers will tell you that they feel pretty down. Fathers can be diagnosed with post-partum depression, too.  The COVID-19 crisis has only exacerbated the pain parents were already feeling. If you are either childfree or beyond the child rearing years, reach out to your friends with young children- don’t ask them what you can do- just show up and offer to do SOMETHING. Get bossy about holding that young mothers’ baby so she can take a damn shower. Everyone, including baby, will benefit.

And this, this will be the honoring of the feminine.

#freebritney

Note: The picture in this post is a picture of me as a newly divorced young mommy. I would have gone psycho if someone tried to take that beautiful baby girl away from me. 

How to Know Whether or Not to Break-Up

Whew. Now that's a million dollar question. But I'm going to help you answer it because I'm going to guide you towards your inner wisdom--that thing called intuition--which, if you can be brave enough to listen, will help you separate the wheat from the chafe. 

First, I see a lot of people breaking up that don't need to break up. They are usually projecting all kinds of malarky from old relationships onto this new person and then breaking up with those ghosts. This is why you probably need therapy. Because you're breaking up with someone who isn't even real. You're likely delusional. Relational trauma will do that. It's an over-active fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. That's why getting calm is the number one relationship skill. 

I read a lot of articles and Instagram-quotes about moving on from people who don't treat you like a queen. If you need to be treated like a king or a queen in order to feel loved, your love tank probably has a hole in it that no human being can ever fill. So keep searching for those loyal subjects and move on from them when they act human or imperfect or have the gall to have needs.

But. Maybe you're on the other side of that equation. Maybe you're the partner who keeps on trying to make your partner feel special, loved and valued--and it's just. never. enough. They act insensitive, cheat on you, aren't available, and generally aren't interested in adult conversations about emotions. 

So how do you know when it's time to walk away and time to just hang in there and do your own work? I apologize, that's a bit of a trick question: because the answer is always in doing your own work FIRST. 

When you do your own work, you won't actually have to do anything except speak how you feel.

An awesome partner will welcome you speaking your emotional truth because they are interested in knowing more of you. They want to be intimate. But a partner who isn't interested in a relationship will be unable to tolerate you doing anything but agreeing with them and/or doing what they want. They will also be unable to tolerate that they might have failed you in some way. They don't know how to live in their humanity.

"Narcissists are very good at finding their 'victims' - the people who don't feel worthy enough of a healthy, happy relationship, and who will play second fiddle just for the sake of being in a relationship. When you've learned to truly love yourself, a narcissist simply cannot operate in your orbit. You will not be able to feed his or her need for adulation and acquiescence at all costs. And you will trust yourself to know when to walk away. That's why, for anyone struggling in a difficult relationship, the fastest path to answer the question, 'Should I stay or should I go?' is always to learn to love yourself. " --Gay Hendricks

That all being said, often, talking and talking and talking will actually drive a quality man away. When I say, "speak your truth," I mean open your posture and your heart space--and tell him what you ache for. Don't tell him what he's doing wrong, tell him how when he wraps his arms around you you feel like nothing in the world can harm you.  When I was in graduate school we had a saying: “speak the truth in love,” that comes from the book of Ephesians. Before you speak, always, as much as you can, ask yourself, “am I going to say this truth in the spirit of love and growth? Or fear and destruction?” The tone you use has the potential to either increase the conflict or help you grow closer together.

What makes great sex?

Today I'm talking about SEX. What makes it good? Great? Best you've ever had? 

We live in a culture that sells a lot of sex, but has zero clue about what makes it amazing.  Toys, youth, and all manner of circus acts are believed to increase sexual satisfaction--and yet--those who depend on Cosmo's "tips and tricks" for a better life in the bedroom will inevitably be thirsty for more and be chronically dissatisfied. Techniques, props, and positions are mechanical and ultimately make people feel used and objectified (i.e. not sexy). Cosmo's way is McDonald's (thanks @jimgaffigan for the cultural critique). 

The greatest sex of your life will require all of you to show up. 

Great sex is an issue of integrity. If you want it, you have to own and integrate your desires, your senses, your sexiness, your heart and then share it with your partner. You aren't allowed to blame your partner for not reading your mind.

There's a scene in National Lampoon's Vacation where Chevy Chase ends up naked in the pool with Christie Brinkley. Naturally, his wife is angry with him. But the real reason she's angry with him is because she wanted to be the one having fun with him. (Ultimately, her owning her desire to go skinny dipping too, saves the day and their marriage). 

The betrayal is so much more than sexual: it's that neither of them were honest and true with each other. 

If both people keep showing up in the fullness of their desires, the bliss will be never-ending and will only increase with time. If you allow it, sex can be the vehicle through which each of you continues to grow in all areas of your life. 

Is your man unavailable?

Last week, I shared with you ladies that the way to get what you want with your man is to change your approach—namely, to get down to the heart, your heart, and then share that instead of criticism. The male nervous system is sensitive to female fear because of our early years fighting lions in the wild.

 But I also shared that some men will ridicule, reject, or otherwise become hostile even when you share your heart. The only way to find out if he is able to respond in a healthy way is to put your heart out on the line—knowing that you are strong enough to handle however he responds.  Paradoxically, the woman who will have his heart forever is the one who knows she can walk away when her heart is not cherished or adored. 

But about walking away: most of the time that just means walking away for the moment.  Get yourself calm—self soothe—take a breather. Go for a walk.  Good people are not always able to respond kindly—walking away for good should never be a decision that is made when you are in the middle of a fight/flight reaction.  In another post I’ll share how to know when it’s over-over. Because there are definitely times when breaking up is simply a dramatic re-enactment of some earlier trauma that will inevitably repeat itself with the next person you meet. And other times when not breaking up is a re-enactment, too. Deep breaths my lovelies!