When we say, “free Britney,” we really mean, “free us.”
She represents the feminine principle- and our country, instead of defending her, contributed to her ultimate insanity. And this is America’s insanity: that we continuously kill the female instead of protecting her.
I vividly remember when Britney Spears came on the scene. I was 16, just like her, when she was sexily dancing down the hallways of her high school. When her videos were aired on MTV, my neighbor and I would imitate her moves, attempting to begin owning our Power, just like she did. We did this in secret, however, as both of our mothers did not approve of us watching MTV.
On the one hand, I wanted to be just like her—fully owning her space and her blossoming womanhood. It was innocent and yet, yet! She was blatantly being “sexy”—something that my fundamentalist purity culture would not allow girls to be. And on the other hand, I felt guilty for wanting to be like her. Sadly, I intuited, quite accurately, that being like her was not safe if I wanted to be approved of by the people I loved the most.
It was during my adolescence that my own split really deepened: there was the part of me that everyone saw and that could come to church youth group, i.e. the good girl who played by the rules, didn’t ask too many questions, and the girl who played along with purity culture, agreeing that waiting until marriage for sex was the route I was taking. But there was this other part of me, split off from conscious awareness: the sexy part, the part of me that seethed with anger at the constraints I felt, the part of me that felt she would come undone like a wild animal at any moment. The part of me with dreams, desires, feelings and LIFE.
It has taken me my all of my adult life, years of psychotherapy, embodiment practices, the mentoring of beautiful, strong women, and the encouragement of evolved men to be able to integrate my sexuality into my identity.
And most women I know report the same struggle.
Always caught between the desire to be sexual, sexy, beautiful—maybe even naughty—and also liked, respected, and good.
Most women I know feel like they have to choose.
And then their husbands ask me in marriage counseling why their wife doesn’t see herself as beautiful. Why she doesn’t want to wear lingerie. Why she doesn’t want sex. Why she scrutinizes what she eats, why she can’t orgasm, why she isn’t even interested in him or her own pleasure.
Notwithstanding other relationship factors, one of the reasons for women’s sexual dysfunctions is the broader system every American couple lives in, puts women in a tricky catch 22- the sexual double standard that female bodies find themselves in: that being sexy is not safe. And it doesn’t magically go away when she is in a loving and committed relationship. In order to heal the split, she must learn to ignore the shaming voices both inside and outside of her if she is to fully own her body, her desire, and her sexuality.
This catch-22 was PAINFULLY demonstrated in the “Framing Britney” documentary: From Ed McMahon asking a TEN year old Britney if she had a boyfriend, to being asked by interviewers if she was a virgin, from female politicians saying they wanted to shoot her because she was a “bad example.” I felt myself cringing for Britney with every inappropriate question or commentary. And not just cringing, I felt the wild wolf woman inside of me want to protect her.
That’s why the #freebritney movement caught on…because we could all identify with her struggle. Each woman sees herself in Britney.
And if the catch-22 weren’t enough to break Britney (or any woman down), let’s take a closer look at what happened when she became a mother:
The most relevant part of the story that I haven’t heard anyone speak about is the fact that the courts sided with Kevin Federline, her vampirish husband, and awarded him sole physical custody of her children. When they were BABIES. When she was quite possibly still BREASTFEEDING. Any woman on the planet will tell you that they would feel exactly like Britney did if you took her baby from her, even if the cause was “reasonable.” Taking a baby out of a woman’s arms is like trying to take a bear cub from a mama bear- she wants to kill you and will probably try. Every mother with babies knows this feeling.
Watching Britney’s story now as an adult woman, a psychotherapist , relationship teacher, and women’s embodiment practitioner, was absolutely horrifying. Here was a woman, who was obviously suffering from severe post partum depression, possibly psychosis, and we made it worse by laughing at her. The ultimate gas-lighting. Not only did we as a country make it worse, the men in her life destroyed her and we did nothing to protect her. The system failed her, and continues to do so. While it is completely reasonable to state that I don’t have all the details so I can’t say who should have been awarded custody, I have worked for many years in the intersection between addiction, mental health crises, and custody issues. In my experience, the courts are always moving towards reconciliation and a 50/50 split because the best case for children is that they spend equal time with both parents. It is rare, especially when the children are young, that the courts will not award time with the mother, especially infants. Unforutnately, we are hearing about more and more cases where women, especially mothers, are deemed “unfot mothers” for accusing the father of abuse of any kind. Does that scenario sound familiar?
The moral of the story? Do not delight when others are struggling. Compassion rules the day, and address any pre-conceived/outdated/innacurate ideas you have about female sexuality especially. But also, as a country, we need to do more to support young parents. Parents with children under the age of 5 in their home have a very high rate of divorce and marital dissatisfaction. Why? Well lack of sleep alone makes anyone feel kind of nuts. 1 in 5 mothers can be diagnosed with post-partum depression, but most mothers will tell you that they feel pretty down. Fathers can be diagnosed with post-partum depression, too. The COVID-19 crisis has only exacerbated the pain parents were already feeling. If you are either childfree or beyond the child rearing years, reach out to your friends with young children- don’t ask them what you can do- just show up and offer to do SOMETHING. Get bossy about holding that young mothers’ baby so she can take a damn shower. Everyone, including baby, will benefit.
And this, this will be the honoring of the feminine.
#freebritney
Note: The picture in this post is a picture of me as a newly divorced young mommy. I would have gone psycho if someone tried to take that beautiful baby girl away from me.